1
00:00:04,000 --> 00:00:05,040
MAN: I like it.

2
00:00:08,280 --> 00:00:09,320
(SNEEZES)

3
00:00:12,800 --> 00:00:14,680
Bless you.
I'm not Christian.

4
00:00:16,240 --> 00:00:19,560
I'm not an ordained priest or
anything. I was just being polite.

5
00:00:19,600 --> 00:00:21,520
I'm the one with snot all over me

6
00:00:21,560 --> 00:00:24,280
because you don't know how
to cover your head hole.

7
00:00:24,320 --> 00:00:28,800
Not a Christian? No, you're a...

8
00:00:29,760 --> 00:00:31,080
Oh.

9
00:00:31,120 --> 00:00:33,680
Well, at least now you know
I'm not a Christian either.

10
00:00:33,720 --> 00:00:35,720
(UPBEAT MUSIC)

11
00:00:44,400 --> 00:00:46,400
(AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS)

12
00:00:48,000 --> 00:00:49,200
Oh, hello.

13
00:00:50,560 --> 00:00:51,600
How are you?

14
00:00:53,440 --> 00:00:54,480
Yeah.

15
00:00:55,920 --> 00:00:57,680
You're a good-looking crowd.

16
00:00:59,200 --> 00:01:00,560
Welcome to Urzila.

17
00:01:00,600 --> 00:01:03,800
Um, this might come as
no big surprise, but I...

18
00:01:03,840 --> 00:01:08,600
I get a bit worked up when people
say unnecessary shit to me.

19
00:01:08,640 --> 00:01:09,760
I don't know if you're the same.

20
00:01:09,800 --> 00:01:11,920
Like anything can tip me over
the edge.

21
00:01:11,960 --> 00:01:14,760
Like, you know, when you go to pay
with your card

22
00:01:14,800 --> 00:01:16,040
and when you go to tap,

23
00:01:16,080 --> 00:01:19,000
there's always some 12 year old
with milk around the mouth that goes,

24
00:01:19,040 --> 00:01:21,120
"Um, it's not there.
You got to tap on the side."

25
00:01:21,160 --> 00:01:22,280
You go, "Shut the fuck up."

26
00:01:23,840 --> 00:01:27,440
I would have figured it out.
The machine is this big.

27
00:01:27,480 --> 00:01:28,760
I would tap everywhere.

28
00:01:28,800 --> 00:01:30,720
I'll tap you on the forehead
a couple of times.

29
00:01:30,760 --> 00:01:32,800
How about that? How about that?
You like that?

30
00:01:34,400 --> 00:01:37,240
But then I also I'm the first one
to put my hand up and say,

31
00:01:37,280 --> 00:01:40,160
"Yeah, I do suffer from
early-onset Karen."

32
00:01:41,520 --> 00:01:44,960
Do you ever watch those videos
and go, "I don't see a problem here."

33
00:01:46,200 --> 00:01:50,520
We have to go check the comments to
see what this poor bitch did wrong.

34
00:01:50,560 --> 00:01:52,800
Honestly, I am with those women.

35
00:01:52,840 --> 00:01:54,800
I am with those women 100%

36
00:01:54,840 --> 00:01:56,960
till they get to the homophobia
and the racism.

37
00:01:57,000 --> 00:01:59,720
And I'm like, "OK, I'm out.
You're on your own, you weirdo.

38
00:02:00,800 --> 00:02:02,200
"Cool haircut, though."

39
00:02:07,360 --> 00:02:08,720
You forgot your father's ears.

40
00:02:08,760 --> 00:02:12,040
OK, we've got your test results.
Please sit down.

41
00:02:12,080 --> 00:02:15,080
No, I'm good. I prefer standing.

42
00:02:15,120 --> 00:02:16,840
These are pretty serious results.

43
00:02:16,880 --> 00:02:18,160
Come on, honey, sit down.

44
00:02:18,200 --> 00:02:21,480
No, and you cannot force me.
It's against my will.

45
00:02:21,520 --> 00:02:24,920
And it goes against the
Geneva Convention. I know my rights.

46
00:02:24,960 --> 00:02:28,320
OK, suit yourself.
Firstly, how are the symptoms?

47
00:02:28,360 --> 00:02:30,040
Well, well...
Excuse me.

48
00:02:30,080 --> 00:02:31,960
None of your business.
It's a privacy issue.

49
00:02:33,520 --> 00:02:38,760
As you can see, she's gotten worse.
Lots of anger, public outbursts.

50
00:02:38,800 --> 00:02:41,640
We've been arguing
with a lot of waiters lately.

51
00:02:41,680 --> 00:02:43,520
I know, I've seen the videos online.

52
00:02:43,560 --> 00:02:45,680
It's just menopause. Move on.

53
00:02:45,720 --> 00:02:48,240
I'm afraid it's much
more serious than menopause.

54
00:02:48,280 --> 00:02:52,320
I'm sorry to tell you this, but
you've contracted early-onset Karen.

55
00:02:52,360 --> 00:02:56,680
No.
Oh, no. How is this possible?

56
00:02:56,720 --> 00:02:58,640
I'm afraid the results
are conclusive.

57
00:02:58,680 --> 00:03:01,640
Well, I'll tell you what,
I want to talk to your supervisor.

58
00:03:01,680 --> 00:03:03,960
How long do we have?
Not long, I'm afraid.

59
00:03:04,000 --> 00:03:06,880
As you can see, the virus
has already spread throughout

60
00:03:06,920 --> 00:03:08,400
Urzila's internal organs.

61
00:03:09,440 --> 00:03:10,520
That's a mess.

62
00:03:10,560 --> 00:03:12,920
Well, this is all fine and dandy,

63
00:03:12,960 --> 00:03:16,880
but I don't recognise you as
an authority to diagnose me.

64
00:03:19,960 --> 00:03:22,720
Look, we did your ancestry,

65
00:03:22,760 --> 00:03:26,280
and it turns out you come from
a very long line of Karens.

66
00:03:26,320 --> 00:03:27,320
Look.

67
00:03:28,120 --> 00:03:29,160
What is this?

68
00:03:30,760 --> 00:03:34,320
Why are these women all so beautiful
but also crazy?

69
00:03:34,360 --> 00:03:35,680
No.

70
00:03:36,960 --> 00:03:40,960
Is this me? Is this my future?
What happened to them?

71
00:03:41,000 --> 00:03:43,120
What will happen to me? Oh.

72
00:03:45,720 --> 00:03:48,320
They're so beautiful.
Robust but beautiful.

73
00:03:49,360 --> 00:03:50,360
I'm normal!

74
00:03:52,440 --> 00:03:55,360
This is impossible!
I don't understand what's happening.

75
00:03:55,400 --> 00:03:57,920
(SCREAMS) Oh, my God.

76
00:03:59,400 --> 00:04:01,400
(CRIES UNCONTROLLABLY)

77
00:04:06,000 --> 00:04:07,480
(GASPS)

78
00:04:07,520 --> 00:04:09,400
Should I be wearing
a mask or something?

79
00:04:09,440 --> 00:04:10,640
You should be fine.

80
00:04:10,680 --> 00:04:12,480
We haven't seen the disease mutate,

81
00:04:12,520 --> 00:04:15,320
which is lucky
because currently there's no cure.

82
00:04:15,360 --> 00:04:17,000
You have to do something.
Yeah.

83
00:04:17,040 --> 00:04:20,400
Give me something right now.
OK, take this number.

84
00:04:20,440 --> 00:04:24,960
Is this for a specialist?
No. That's for the local council.

85
00:04:25,000 --> 00:04:27,560
You'll be calling them a lot
to complain about the garbage man.

86
00:04:27,600 --> 00:04:29,240
Even better. Thanks.

87
00:04:33,160 --> 00:04:36,240
You know, who knows?
Maybe I can fight this, you know?

88
00:04:36,280 --> 00:04:38,360
I don't feel so bad, you know?

89
00:04:38,400 --> 00:04:40,040
Don't worry.
We'll get you through this.

90
00:04:41,520 --> 00:04:44,160
Oh, nice ollie.
Thanks, lady.

91
00:04:44,200 --> 00:04:46,760
Oh, that's sweet.

92
00:04:46,800 --> 00:04:48,080
Well done you.

93
00:04:52,160 --> 00:04:57,120
Oi, can't you read?
It says no skateboarding.

94
00:04:57,160 --> 00:05:00,440
There are children who play in
this area. Somebody could get hurt.

95
00:05:00,480 --> 00:05:02,480
(ANGRY INDISTINCT MUTTERING)

96
00:05:05,200 --> 00:05:09,600
Sorry, she's... She's on her period.
No, I'm not.

97
00:05:09,640 --> 00:05:11,280
I should have punched him
in the head.

98
00:05:12,400 --> 00:05:13,400
It's not too late.

99
00:05:21,040 --> 00:05:23,040
(SCREAMS)

100
00:05:31,760 --> 00:05:32,800
Ten grand.

101
00:05:34,720 --> 00:05:36,080
Alright, donkey dicks,

102
00:05:37,320 --> 00:05:40,360
I need a mainstream TV idea

103
00:05:40,400 --> 00:05:44,120
that families can watch together
and that advertisers will love,

104
00:05:44,160 --> 00:05:48,080
but more importantly, will keep
the cashola in my pocket

105
00:05:48,120 --> 00:05:51,320
and you pack of whores
off the stripper pole.

106
00:05:51,360 --> 00:05:53,920
So hit me with your ideas.
What have you got?

107
00:05:53,960 --> 00:05:55,000
Um, I've got one.

108
00:05:57,760 --> 00:05:59,520
The Skin I was Born In,

109
00:05:59,560 --> 00:06:04,480
a heartfelt and honest documentary
about body image

110
00:06:04,520 --> 00:06:07,240
and beauty standards
in today's society.

111
00:06:07,280 --> 00:06:12,640
We follow these brave souls on
their journey towards acceptance.

112
00:06:12,680 --> 00:06:15,760
Wow, a show about fat people.
I love it.

113
00:06:15,800 --> 00:06:20,240
Well, yeah, it's more
a show about body image.

114
00:06:20,280 --> 00:06:22,560
Fat Fuck Island.
Yes.

115
00:06:22,600 --> 00:06:25,720
I love it, boss.
Talk us through the idea.

116
00:06:25,760 --> 00:06:30,440
OK, so fat people on an island
and potentially they fuck.

117
00:06:30,480 --> 00:06:32,280
Oh, that's genius.
Yeah.

118
00:06:32,320 --> 00:06:34,520
They would.
They would do that.

119
00:06:34,560 --> 00:06:37,200
They'll try. There's a lot of gut.

120
00:06:37,240 --> 00:06:39,080
Could be part of their contract.
Yeah.

121
00:06:39,120 --> 00:06:40,880
Must fuck.
Yeah, I mean, I...

122
00:06:40,920 --> 00:06:47,320
Or we take 'em out in the country.
Fat farmer Wants a Fat Wife.

123
00:06:47,360 --> 00:06:48,600
Oh, that's great.

124
00:06:48,640 --> 00:06:51,720
I think that's straying
quite far from my...

125
00:06:51,760 --> 00:06:52,840
Wait, wait, wait. I've got more.

126
00:06:52,880 --> 00:06:54,360
She's cooking now.
Not done.

127
00:06:54,400 --> 00:06:55,640
Married at Fat Sight.

128
00:06:55,680 --> 00:06:58,200
You don't know who's coming,
but you can hear 'em.

129
00:06:59,520 --> 00:07:00,760
(THUDDING STEPS)
Oh!

130
00:07:00,800 --> 00:07:03,240
Fat Ninja Warrior.
Oh, my God.

131
00:07:03,280 --> 00:07:05,240
Trying to hold onto a rope,
am I right?

132
00:07:05,280 --> 00:07:06,840
Oh.
The Fat Singer.

133
00:07:06,880 --> 00:07:09,480
Who is it?
They all sing opera.

134
00:07:09,520 --> 00:07:13,760
OK, RuPaul's Fat Race.
The Great British Fat Off.

135
00:07:13,800 --> 00:07:16,200
Having people rolling around.
Fat Guy For A Queer Guy.

136
00:07:16,240 --> 00:07:19,000
Dumpy. Kind of dumpy. Kind of...
Like just...

137
00:07:19,040 --> 00:07:20,160
Fat.

138
00:07:20,200 --> 00:07:22,200
See, I think we've gone
a little bit...

139
00:07:22,240 --> 00:07:26,360
Oh, I've got it.
Fatty Fatty Fight Club.

140
00:07:26,400 --> 00:07:30,200
OK, hear me out. We put a whole
bunch of fatties together.

141
00:07:30,240 --> 00:07:33,040
All the weight
that they lose go into a tank, OK?

142
00:07:33,080 --> 00:07:36,480
And then once a week, we get two
of these jumbos to fight each other.

143
00:07:36,520 --> 00:07:38,720
And then the winner
gets to eat cake,

144
00:07:38,760 --> 00:07:41,440
of course, and the loser
goes into the fat tank.

145
00:07:42,960 --> 00:07:46,240
Fat Tank Friday.
Yes, yes, yes.

146
00:07:46,280 --> 00:07:51,280
I love it, I love it. Honestly,
Trish, this was remarkable.

147
00:07:51,320 --> 00:07:52,840
Well done.
Well done.

148
00:07:52,880 --> 00:07:55,120
This isn't my idea.
That's... That's your idea.

149
00:07:55,160 --> 00:07:56,800
This is your idea.
I just punched it up.

150
00:07:56,840 --> 00:07:58,040
Yeah.
A little bit.

151
00:07:58,080 --> 00:08:01,760
I was talking about a wholesome
documentary to do with body image.

152
00:08:01,800 --> 00:08:06,960
Yeah, and this has all of that.
Plus it has fighting and a fat tank.

153
00:08:07,000 --> 00:08:10,760
That's right. You should be proud
of yourself. Take this moment, OK?

154
00:08:10,800 --> 00:08:13,000
Do you have any other amazing ideas,
Trish?

155
00:08:13,040 --> 00:08:15,240
What about at the end,

156
00:08:16,360 --> 00:08:21,640
if there's a ball pit filled
with pudding and they have to...

157
00:08:21,680 --> 00:08:23,080
They have to eat their way out.

158
00:08:26,720 --> 00:08:28,120
Because they're fat.

159
00:08:29,600 --> 00:08:32,080
I'm so sorry
that you had to hear that.

160
00:08:32,120 --> 00:08:33,880
Shouldn't have said that, Trish.
What?

161
00:08:33,920 --> 00:08:35,200
It's too much.
It's too much, Trish.

162
00:08:35,240 --> 00:08:40,480
I mean, she said way worse than...
Because I can.

163
00:08:40,520 --> 00:08:44,240
Because you're fat?
Trish, what the?

164
00:08:44,280 --> 00:08:48,760
Because it is my lived experience.
I have that bra extension.

165
00:08:48,800 --> 00:08:51,840
You don't see me pitching
ideas on your trauma, do you?

166
00:08:51,880 --> 00:08:53,880
I'm not out here going,
"Hey, guys,

167
00:08:53,920 --> 00:08:57,920
"how about we make a TV show
about an ugly, skinny, hairy bitch?"

168
00:08:57,960 --> 00:08:58,960
Oh.

169
00:09:03,480 --> 00:09:06,320
There might be something in that,
boss. I think that idea has legs.

170
00:09:06,360 --> 00:09:09,920
Yes, ugly, skinny, hairy legs.
Write it down.

171
00:09:09,960 --> 00:09:11,120
Yes, yes.
Write it down.

172
00:09:11,160 --> 00:09:13,320
Tricia's legs.
Hairy.

173
00:09:13,360 --> 00:09:15,720
And barren.
Barren.

174
00:09:15,760 --> 00:09:17,760
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)

175
00:09:20,160 --> 00:09:23,480
I guess don't mess with me in a
meeting. That's all I'm saying.

176
00:09:25,160 --> 00:09:27,800
Can we just step to
a more serious side?

177
00:09:27,840 --> 00:09:30,760
I do want to talk to you
about your health.

178
00:09:30,800 --> 00:09:36,680
Specifically mammograms, alright?
Now, ladies, we got them titties.

179
00:09:37,960 --> 00:09:39,840
And, you know,
you have to make...

180
00:09:41,200 --> 00:09:43,160
Like, I'm not judging them.
That's not why we're here.

181
00:09:43,200 --> 00:09:44,720
I'm not going to get you
to flop them out

182
00:09:44,760 --> 00:09:47,600
unless you're completely comfortable
with that.

183
00:09:47,640 --> 00:09:51,080
No? OK. Just checking. It's
worth checking. It's worth checking.

184
00:09:51,120 --> 00:09:54,680
Just run that past you, alright?
No, men...

185
00:09:54,720 --> 00:09:57,560
I don't know if you know this,
but men can get breast cancer, too.

186
00:09:57,600 --> 00:10:00,400
This isn't a joke. Like it's true.
Men can get breast cancer.

187
00:10:00,440 --> 00:10:01,640
A lot of men don't know that.

188
00:10:01,680 --> 00:10:03,960
So, boys, tomorrow morning
when you're in the shower,

189
00:10:04,000 --> 00:10:05,320
just for a split second,

190
00:10:05,360 --> 00:10:07,360
take your hand off your dick
and just feel.

191
00:10:08,800 --> 00:10:11,760
Just feel that everything's
alright there, OK?

192
00:10:13,480 --> 00:10:14,520
And you know what?

193
00:10:14,560 --> 00:10:16,640
While you're going to the doctor
for a mammogram,

194
00:10:16,680 --> 00:10:18,640
why don't you get yourself
a little smear?

195
00:10:18,680 --> 00:10:22,200
And I know that is not
high on the popularity scale

196
00:10:22,240 --> 00:10:23,760
things to do at the doctor's.

197
00:10:23,800 --> 00:10:25,640
You know, you go in
and they always go,

198
00:10:25,680 --> 00:10:27,480
"Just take your clothes off
and put the robe on.

199
00:10:27,520 --> 00:10:28,840
"I'll just wait outside for you."

200
00:10:28,880 --> 00:10:30,320
I'm like, "No, stay.

201
00:10:32,600 --> 00:10:36,440
"Why would you go out?
Just stay here.

202
00:10:36,480 --> 00:10:38,000
"Plus, I don't take my clothes
off any more.

203
00:10:38,040 --> 00:10:39,040
I go, "No, you're right.

204
00:10:39,080 --> 00:10:41,240
"I'll just pull my knickers
to the side for you."

205
00:10:43,280 --> 00:10:45,920
I go, "Chuck it in.
Trust me, it'll fit."

206
00:10:47,240 --> 00:10:50,880
If your doctor's not comfortable
with that, then respect them and say,

207
00:10:50,920 --> 00:10:54,240
"Hey, don't worry about it.
I'll lower myself down on it."

208
00:10:59,840 --> 00:11:03,040
Alrighty, let's take a good look
down there, see what's going on.

209
00:11:03,080 --> 00:11:04,120
Are you feeling OK?

210
00:11:04,160 --> 00:11:06,600
No, I feel like you're
about to shuck my oyster.

211
00:11:06,640 --> 00:11:08,080
Right, well,
you might feel some pressure.

212
00:11:08,120 --> 00:11:10,360
You just scream out if it feels
too uncomfortable at any point.

213
00:11:10,400 --> 00:11:14,160
OK.
OK, well, in we go.

214
00:11:14,200 --> 00:11:15,240
Oh.

215
00:11:18,160 --> 00:11:19,200
What? What's wrong?

216
00:11:20,880 --> 00:11:23,160
That's interesting?
What's interesting?

217
00:11:24,800 --> 00:11:25,840
Huh?

218
00:11:27,280 --> 00:11:30,760
You have, in my personal
and professional experience,

219
00:11:30,800 --> 00:11:34,160
the smallest vagina I've ever seen.

220
00:11:34,200 --> 00:11:36,000
Is it?
Tiny.

221
00:11:36,040 --> 00:11:38,680
Oh, my gosh.
And quite frankly, petite.

222
00:11:38,720 --> 00:11:41,040
That's amazing. I didn't think
I was gonna hear that today.

223
00:11:41,080 --> 00:11:42,560
Can I get a second opinion on this?

224
00:11:42,600 --> 00:11:45,760
I'd love it.
This is gonna make Mark's day.

225
00:11:45,800 --> 00:11:48,400
Hey, Mark. It's one for the books.
It's the best day ever.

226
00:11:48,440 --> 00:11:52,440
Hi, hi, hi, hi.
Oh, look, the whole gang's here.

227
00:11:52,480 --> 00:11:54,120
I should have sold tickets
to the show.

228
00:11:56,000 --> 00:11:57,040
It's extraordinary.

229
00:11:57,080 --> 00:11:58,720
I know.
I've never seen anything like it.

230
00:11:58,760 --> 00:12:01,480
It's quite remarkable.
Oh, thank you.

231
00:12:01,520 --> 00:12:03,120
What do you think?

232
00:12:03,160 --> 00:12:05,800
That is officially
the smallest pussy on record.

233
00:12:05,840 --> 00:12:07,160
Oh, my go-

234
00:12:07,200 --> 00:12:10,080
Well done.
Mine's... Mine's huge.

235
00:12:10,120 --> 00:12:11,400
Yeah. No, it is, massive.

236
00:12:11,440 --> 00:12:13,760
I can hear it.
It sounds like the ocean.

237
00:12:13,800 --> 00:12:16,560
Emergency, excuse me.
I've got London on the line.

238
00:12:16,600 --> 00:12:17,640
Hi, London.

239
00:12:18,800 --> 00:12:21,080
Good lord.
Thank you, London.

240
00:12:21,120 --> 00:12:23,800
Tell Big Ben it's a no.
(BELLS CHIME)

241
00:12:27,120 --> 00:12:28,600
Old fisherman. What do you think?

242
00:12:28,640 --> 00:12:32,440
It's so small,
I'd kiss it, throw it back.

243
00:12:32,480 --> 00:12:34,800
Has anyone actually measured it?

244
00:12:34,840 --> 00:12:37,760
It's flawless.
D-Color, I-F clarity.

245
00:12:37,800 --> 00:12:40,560
But with a brilliance
and sparkle beyond its weight.

246
00:12:40,600 --> 00:12:45,400
Wow. What do you think, designer
of toys with many small moving parts?

247
00:12:45,440 --> 00:12:47,280
It's basically a choking hazard.

248
00:12:48,320 --> 00:12:52,240
Oh, better keep Pinocchio out of
there. If that boy tells one lie.

249
00:12:53,760 --> 00:12:56,560
This is honestly the best day
of my entire life.

250
00:12:56,600 --> 00:12:59,560
Right, well,
now let's check the anus.

251
00:12:59,600 --> 00:13:01,840
Oh. We don't need to do that.

252
00:13:01,880 --> 00:13:05,040
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

253
00:13:05,080 --> 00:13:08,680
Guys, it only looks big
because my vagina is so small.

254
00:13:14,880 --> 00:13:16,840
I like your hair like this.
Thank you, bubby.

255
00:13:16,880 --> 00:13:18,720
Mmm. Look at this gorgeous work.

256
00:13:18,760 --> 00:13:23,800
OK, lovebirds, welcome
to your wedding cake tasting.

257
00:13:23,840 --> 00:13:25,760
Bon appetit.
Oh, my gosh.

258
00:13:25,800 --> 00:13:29,960
I've been waiting for this day for
longer than the actual wedding date.

259
00:13:30,000 --> 00:13:32,280
Gosh, you know,
cake is my everything.

260
00:13:32,320 --> 00:13:34,000
Should we?
Yes, let's do it.

261
00:13:34,040 --> 00:13:37,040
Mmm. Mmm.

262
00:13:38,160 --> 00:13:40,640
That is to die for.
The best. Oh, wow.

263
00:13:40,680 --> 00:13:41,760
Thank you, ladies. Thank you.

264
00:13:41,800 --> 00:13:47,680
It has been a privilege to bake
for such a beautiful couple.

265
00:13:47,720 --> 00:13:49,600
Oh, my God.
Yeah.

266
00:13:49,640 --> 00:13:54,160
But now for my favourite part,
the wedding cake toppers.

267
00:13:54,200 --> 00:13:56,920
Oh, my God.
I didn't sleep last night.

268
00:13:56,960 --> 00:14:00,760
OK, first up,
we have the lovely Lisa.

269
00:14:03,960 --> 00:14:09,240
Oh, my God. Wow.
Oh, my gosh, I love it.

270
00:14:09,280 --> 00:14:12,440
And, also, do you recognise
that's your mum's wedding dress.

271
00:14:12,480 --> 00:14:15,040
Baby, did you do that for me?
I did do that.

272
00:14:15,080 --> 00:14:18,960
Making this was like carving
the Venus de Milo.

273
00:14:19,000 --> 00:14:20,000
Oh.

274
00:14:21,080 --> 00:14:24,160
Thank you. Oh, my God.
Now your bride.

275
00:14:24,200 --> 00:14:27,040
I'm so nervous now.
Don't be nervous.

276
00:14:27,080 --> 00:14:28,880
I am.
We have Urzila.

277
00:14:28,920 --> 00:14:35,320
What is this? Why is it so heavy?
Is this thing made from lead?

278
00:14:35,360 --> 00:14:40,080
This is hideous. This thing is
the Hunchback of Notre Dame.

279
00:14:40,120 --> 00:14:43,600
It should be living under a bridge
and not be on top of a cake.

280
00:14:43,640 --> 00:14:45,880
Look, I think she looks beautiful.

281
00:14:45,920 --> 00:14:48,120
There's nothing in this
that looks like me.

282
00:14:48,160 --> 00:14:50,560
Well...
This thing's got lopsided tits.

283
00:14:50,600 --> 00:14:54,160
That's not me.
Hey, I love your lopsided tits.

284
00:14:54,200 --> 00:14:56,000
Look at the butt on this thing.

285
00:14:56,040 --> 00:14:58,960
Kim Kardashian on this side,
Paris Hilton on this side.

286
00:14:59,000 --> 00:15:02,520
It looks like a bulldog
and a chihuahua trapped in a bag.

287
00:15:02,560 --> 00:15:06,400
And why is this nose this size?
It's like half the face is nose.

288
00:15:06,440 --> 00:15:08,960
And what is this white stuff
in the front here?

289
00:15:09,000 --> 00:15:12,160
Did a seagull shit on it
before you brought it out?

290
00:15:12,200 --> 00:15:13,280
This is hideous.

291
00:15:13,320 --> 00:15:16,240
OK, alright. Now, listen,
I've never once had a complaint.

292
00:15:16,280 --> 00:15:18,280
Well, allow me to be the first.

293
00:15:18,320 --> 00:15:20,600
Now I have made a back-up.
Would you like to see it?

294
00:15:20,640 --> 00:15:21,680
Yeah, thanks.
OK.

295
00:15:21,720 --> 00:15:22,720
Fantastic.

296
00:15:22,760 --> 00:15:24,760
I think you're gonna like this one
a little bit more.

297
00:15:24,800 --> 00:15:29,040
Oh.
What do you think of that?

298
00:15:30,360 --> 00:15:34,680
We think that's you.
I wouldn't have thought so.

299
00:15:34,720 --> 00:15:36,440
It's got the hat.
It's got the apron.

300
00:15:36,480 --> 00:15:41,000
It's even holding another little
cake topper in its cake topper hand.

301
00:15:41,040 --> 00:15:44,120
Oh, would you look at that.
So it is.

302
00:15:45,880 --> 00:15:49,760
Let's just see
what it looks like there.

303
00:15:52,960 --> 00:15:54,760
I think we can work with this.

304
00:15:54,800 --> 00:15:56,960
Are you trying to muscle in
on my marriage?

305
00:15:58,240 --> 00:16:00,920
Oh, I see what's happening.
You want to steal my bride?

306
00:16:00,960 --> 00:16:05,320
Take it, have it. Live your lives
and I will steal your cake.

307
00:16:05,360 --> 00:16:07,360
You can't steal something
you've already bought.

308
00:16:07,400 --> 00:16:09,120
(CRASH!)

309
00:16:12,840 --> 00:16:14,600
Oh, babe.

310
00:16:19,920 --> 00:16:23,360
I can see it now.
Enjoy each other.

311
00:16:24,400 --> 00:16:25,400
We'll leave.

312
00:16:28,880 --> 00:16:30,880
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)

313
00:16:31,520 --> 00:16:35,400
Did you guys watch the Poo Cruise?
Listen.

314
00:16:35,440 --> 00:16:37,640
(CLEARS THROAT AND WHIMPERS)

315
00:16:37,680 --> 00:16:41,160
My heart, when people say,
"You should do a comedy cruise."

316
00:16:41,200 --> 00:16:44,280
I would rather run full speed
into a fucking wood chipper.

317
00:16:47,640 --> 00:16:51,720
Why would you risk going on a cruise
when the possibility exists

318
00:16:51,760 --> 00:16:54,320
that a crew member will hand you
a bag and go,

319
00:16:54,360 --> 00:16:56,200
"Henceforth, you'll be shitting
in that."

320
00:16:58,200 --> 00:16:59,480
No, thanks.

321
00:16:59,520 --> 00:17:01,360
I watched
that poo cruise thing,

322
00:17:01,400 --> 00:17:03,920
and even if you haven't watched it,
you can figure it out.

323
00:17:03,960 --> 00:17:05,200
Poo Cruise.

324
00:17:06,720 --> 00:17:09,040
It's like you didn't have
to watch two girls, one cup,

325
00:17:09,080 --> 00:17:10,320
you just know it's gross.

326
00:17:12,240 --> 00:17:16,240
So the thing that
disappointed me the most about

327
00:17:16,280 --> 00:17:21,240
that poo cruise documentary is
the fact that no one butch lesbian

328
00:17:21,280 --> 00:17:26,560
took control of that ship and went,
"Oi, no-one's shitting in a bag, OK?

329
00:17:26,600 --> 00:17:28,920
"We're all going
to be shitting over starboard.

330
00:17:31,160 --> 00:17:32,680
"If you need to go for a shit,

331
00:17:32,720 --> 00:17:35,400
"just hang your arse
over the side of the ship.

332
00:17:35,440 --> 00:17:37,680
"It's a little trust exercise
with your partner.

333
00:17:37,720 --> 00:17:41,520
"They will hold your hands as you're
shitting over the side of the ship.

334
00:17:41,560 --> 00:17:42,720
"And just watch your mouth.

335
00:17:42,760 --> 00:17:45,520
"Don't be saying stuff like,
'you're just like your mother'."

336
00:17:49,080 --> 00:17:53,880
One of my biggest passions in life
is crime documentaries.

337
00:17:53,920 --> 00:17:56,040
Who loves a good crime documentary?
Yes.

338
00:17:56,080 --> 00:17:58,840
How good? Do you hear
how that's a lot of women?

339
00:17:58,880 --> 00:18:00,880
I think it was even with me,

340
00:18:00,920 --> 00:18:04,160
like I am slowly planning
the perfect murder.

341
00:18:05,200 --> 00:18:08,000
I reckon I'm about this far away
from nailing it.

342
00:18:08,040 --> 00:18:10,840
I just need to figure out a way
to get my mother-in-law

343
00:18:10,880 --> 00:18:15,640
to my house without a paper trail
to me.

344
00:18:15,680 --> 00:18:17,760
I'm kidding. She's dead. Um...

345
00:18:18,800 --> 00:18:22,160
Just to me. She's still alive
to other people. She's dead to me.

346
00:18:30,440 --> 00:18:34,200
I got a job.
Classic smash and grab bank heist.

347
00:18:34,240 --> 00:18:37,400
And to pull it off,
we need an elite team.

348
00:18:37,440 --> 00:18:39,440
That's why I brought all you here.

349
00:18:41,440 --> 00:18:44,440
Leo, best safecracker in the game.

350
00:18:44,480 --> 00:18:48,680
I get in, I get out like a ninja.

351
00:18:48,720 --> 00:18:49,840
Like a ninja.

352
00:18:49,880 --> 00:18:52,800
Parker, weapon specialist.

353
00:18:52,840 --> 00:18:54,120
Anyone gets in my way...

354
00:18:57,160 --> 00:18:58,360
..I get in theirs.

355
00:18:58,400 --> 00:19:01,120
Wheels, getaway driver.

356
00:19:03,240 --> 00:19:05,440
The Kane brothers, muscle.

357
00:19:06,800 --> 00:19:10,560
And, lastly,
the brains of the operation.

358
00:19:11,920 --> 00:19:13,040
This is Urzila.

359
00:19:14,280 --> 00:19:16,200
Hello, boys. How's it going?

360
00:19:16,240 --> 00:19:19,640
Who the hell is this?
I've never heard of no Urzila.

361
00:19:19,680 --> 00:19:23,840
Oh, I'm the mastermind of
the operation. Popcorn, anyone?

362
00:19:23,880 --> 00:19:25,840
What makes you think
you're the mastermind?

363
00:19:25,880 --> 00:19:30,680
Simple. I've watched every single
true crime documentary ever made.

364
00:19:30,720 --> 00:19:32,720
So I know how to get away
with every crime.

365
00:19:32,760 --> 00:19:35,920
Bullshit. You can't have seen them
all. I mean, there's far too many.

366
00:19:35,960 --> 00:19:40,560
Mate, I'm a stay-at-home mum. I
watch it while I'm doing my chores.

367
00:19:40,600 --> 00:19:42,280
Tell them what you know, Urz.

368
00:19:42,320 --> 00:19:43,480
I know how to rob banks

369
00:19:43,520 --> 00:19:47,240
and boost diamonds
and swindle women on Tinder.

370
00:19:47,280 --> 00:19:50,160
I know how to lead cults
and run pyramid schemes

371
00:19:50,200 --> 00:19:52,680
and kill people on staircases,
you name it.

372
00:19:52,720 --> 00:19:55,600
I had her consult on the London job.

373
00:19:55,640 --> 00:19:56,680
Didn't those guys get caught?

374
00:19:56,720 --> 00:19:58,080
Yeah, but they wouldn't have

375
00:19:58,120 --> 00:20:01,120
if they'd use their left hands
to write the ransom note.

376
00:20:01,160 --> 00:20:03,920
Got that one from The Jinx.
It's my favourite.

377
00:20:03,960 --> 00:20:08,640
Urzila knows everything that's gonna
happen before it even happens.

378
00:20:08,680 --> 00:20:10,480
That's right.
Oh, prove it.

379
00:20:10,520 --> 00:20:11,520
Easy.

380
00:20:11,560 --> 00:20:13,800
Usually on a heist like this,
the day before,

381
00:20:13,840 --> 00:20:16,400
one of the members just up
and leave without explanation.

382
00:20:16,440 --> 00:20:19,200
You know what? The hell with this.
I'm out of here.

383
00:20:20,240 --> 00:20:23,480
Told you. And then someone
in the team will just turn up dead.

384
00:20:27,120 --> 00:20:30,080
And the murderer is usually
someone you would least expect.

385
00:20:30,120 --> 00:20:33,000
Like a male family member.
It was him.

386
00:20:35,440 --> 00:20:40,880
Oh, God, she's good.
Good? We just lost three of our men.

387
00:20:40,920 --> 00:20:43,120
Who's gonna be our muscle?
Who's gonna drive us?

388
00:20:43,160 --> 00:20:45,520
Bigger worry, who's the rat?

389
00:20:45,560 --> 00:20:47,520
ALL: Rat?
Rat?

390
00:20:47,560 --> 00:20:51,200
Well, on a tight group like this,
one of you is normally a narc.

391
00:20:51,240 --> 00:20:53,560
And in this group, I'm gonna say...

392
00:20:59,840 --> 00:21:00,840
..it's you.

393
00:21:00,880 --> 00:21:01,920
What?
Parker?

394
00:21:01,960 --> 00:21:03,520
Say it isn't so.

395
00:21:03,560 --> 00:21:04,840
I don't know
what she's talking about.

396
00:21:07,120 --> 00:21:09,600
Hey, he's a cop.
What? Really?

397
00:21:09,640 --> 00:21:11,360
Oh, I know what it looks like.

398
00:21:12,480 --> 00:21:13,880
(GRUNTS AND GASPS)

399
00:21:16,560 --> 00:21:17,600
Oh.

400
00:21:19,400 --> 00:21:20,440
Oh!

401
00:21:25,120 --> 00:21:27,720
Cover's blown. Send back-up.

402
00:21:27,760 --> 00:21:31,320
Really, Parker, how could you?
I'm sorry.

403
00:21:34,920 --> 00:21:36,080
I knew that was gonna happen.

404
00:21:36,120 --> 00:21:38,680
Right, so I've killed a cop.
Any advice?

405
00:21:38,720 --> 00:21:41,720
Well, try not to leave
any DNA at the scene.

406
00:21:41,760 --> 00:21:42,800
And whatever you do,

407
00:21:42,840 --> 00:21:45,720
do not go on a true crime doco
and accidentally confess.

408
00:21:45,760 --> 00:21:48,160
So embarrassing.
Thanks, Urz. You're the best.

409
00:21:48,200 --> 00:21:49,200
Got you, babe.

410
00:21:50,200 --> 00:21:51,720
What are you doing, Leo?

411
00:21:51,760 --> 00:21:55,720
Parker was my friend
and my lover.

412
00:21:55,760 --> 00:21:56,960
Oh, yeah, I forgot to say,

413
00:21:57,000 --> 00:22:00,000
usually in one of these things,
someone always falls in love.

414
00:22:00,040 --> 00:22:02,280
Why didn't you say something?

415
00:22:02,320 --> 00:22:04,240
Are you kidding?
This is the best part.

416
00:22:05,360 --> 00:22:06,600
Put your gun down, Leo.

417
00:22:06,640 --> 00:22:09,560
You put the gun down, Big Dan.

418
00:22:16,360 --> 00:22:22,200
Oh, my gosh.
Best crime and wine night ever.

419
00:22:22,240 --> 00:22:25,600
It's pretty exciting. God,
I could kill for a finger bang.

420
00:22:25,640 --> 00:22:26,760
I'll tell you what,

421
00:22:26,800 --> 00:22:30,040
if one of these boys is still alive,
it'll be a whole different night.

422
00:22:34,480 --> 00:22:37,240
Alright, well, I guess
what we can take away from this

423
00:22:37,280 --> 00:22:39,800
is make sure you get your check-ups.

424
00:22:39,840 --> 00:22:41,840
Go to the doctor,
go talk to your doctor.

425
00:22:41,880 --> 00:22:43,720
But also make sure
it's not a creepy doctor

426
00:22:43,760 --> 00:22:46,080
that'll bring 40 people in
to look at your clacker.

427
00:22:47,760 --> 00:22:48,840
But I must go now

428
00:22:48,880 --> 00:22:53,360
because I have to hop on a cruise
so I can go join Fat Fuck Island.

429
00:22:53,400 --> 00:22:56,040
You guys have been
absolutely amazing. Good night.

430
00:22:59,800 --> 00:23:01,480
That's interesting.
What?

431
00:23:01,520 --> 00:23:04,480
You... (SNIFFS) ..and I apologise if
this is coming on a bit forward...

432
00:23:07,080 --> 00:23:08,080
What's that?

433
00:23:08,120 --> 00:23:10,120
(BOTH LAUGH HYSTERICALLY)

434
00:23:12,840 --> 00:23:16,280
It's the number one thing,
don't sniff the glove.

435
00:23:16,320 --> 00:23:17,880
Now for the cake toppers.
Yes.

436
00:23:17,920 --> 00:23:20,920
First things first.
Oh, I love the box even.

437
00:23:24,120 --> 00:23:25,120
Cake toppers?
Yes.

438
00:23:25,160 --> 00:23:27,040
I even like the box.

439
00:23:29,760 --> 00:23:31,480
We've heard.

440
00:23:33,280 --> 00:23:35,680
(CLEARS THROAT)
Next up, Urzila.

441
00:23:35,720 --> 00:23:36,720
Oh, my...

442
00:23:38,960 --> 00:23:41,640
Sorry, I hate myself.
I hate you, too.

443
00:23:41,680 --> 00:23:45,640
Urzila.
Oh, my God, stop it!

444
00:23:45,680 --> 00:23:47,600
It has been a privilege to bake.

445
00:23:49,960 --> 00:23:51,880
I would like the privilege
of baking.

446
00:23:52,920 --> 00:23:54,920
Captions by Red Bee Media

447
00:23:54,960 --> 00:23:56,960
Copyright Australian
Broadcasting Corporation